Musings for a responsible society




Amidst the dark and grey shades increasingly engulfing, invading and piercing deeper and deeper, let me try to enjoy the little smiles, genuine greens, and the gentle breeze. Oh! Creator! If you don't exist, my life...in vain!
All contents in this blog are subjected to copy right and no part of any of the articles may be reproduced in any media without prior written permission

Search This Blog

20140424

The 'Queen', the Marriage and the Tears




I read this somewhere; There are three rings in marriage: The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering! And here is a French proverb: ‘Marriage is like a fortress besieged: those who are outside want to get in, and those who are inside want to get out’. 

Why do men and women who do not get a suitable ‘alliance’ continue to sulk? 


Rani, whose role played by Kangana Raut in the Hindi movie ‘Queen’, was shattered when her fiance Vijay acted by Rajkumar, who won the national award for his role as a lawyer in the movie ‘Shahid’(read my review of Shahid here) suddenly conveyed his decision to backtrack. By the time the wedding celebrations had started at her home and the relatives had already arrived. She cried and pleaded before Vijay.  But the fiancé refused to budge. Rani ‘rescued’ herself from the grief and shame by going ahead alone to Paris for ‘honeymoon’ pre-booked by her father. Vikas Bahl, the director of this beautiful movie has showcased how Rani became a real queen by becoming independent!

Now, let us come out of the reel life to real life. When a busy architect Sunil decided to marry a leading advocate’s daughter, he had a lot of dreams about marriage and family. He sensed something bad just after the engagement. Ramya was too immature. Though he wanted to call off the marriage, he was prevented by his relatives stating that she would be fine after marriage.

After their marriage, there was not a single day without a fight. She was unhappy because he chose a domestic location for honeymoon whereas she dreamt of being at Paris with him. She fought with him during the entire period of honeymoon stating that he was miserly. She harassed him for any call that he received, if that happened to be from a lady. She distanced herself from his family and stayed put in the bedroom and asked the maids to serve the food in the room. Among several incidents Sunil narrated this:  One day after a temple visit she asked him to take her to a particular restaurant in a five star hotel for dinner. He readily agreed and told her that he has not taken the purse containing the debit cards with him, but he has about Rs 5000 in his pocket. He told her this so that she would order food that would cost less than the above mentioned amount. She called for the menu card and ordered a signature dish of the hotel for her, which would cost Rs 5000/- And then she asked him to order whatever he wanted. Sunil didn't order as there would be no money left for him and he knew that she would never open her purse which contained money that she used to take from him. He thought he will have a bit from the dish ordered by her. When the exotic dish arrived, she had nibbled just one or two spoons of the stuff and asked the bearer to take it away as the dish was not to her liking without giving a chance for Sunil to have the food. She quickly left the dining hall without waiting for Sunil. He followed her towards the car after paying the bill. He was used to such behaviour from his partner and regretted being into a relationship with a girl who came into his life to destroy his peace, happiness and enthusiasm.

After hearing Sunil, I felt really sorry for him. How would he spend his life with a person like this? It would be better for such persons to lead a life alone rather than in continuous unhappiness.

Why the hurry?

Sociologists believe that marriage contributes to better mental and physical health of adults. It creates a new generation of individuals with emotional, physical and social well-being. Marriage also contributes to the moral well-being and drive for growth among people. Proponents of the ‘marriage protection hypothesis’ argue that marriage contributes to longevity as people will be more controlled in their activities that could harm their health status otherwise.  


But why do people jump into marriage thinking that it is a mandatory social institution and everyone is eligible for that? Why do parents worry too much about their children when they cross the ‘marriageable age’? Why do most women and many men are desperate when they don’t find a suitable match? Why does society think that everyone (other than those who opt for celibacy for religious or spiritual reasons) should get married after a certain age?

Sumit and Sujata knew each other for three years before they got married. After marriage, Sujata told categorically: ‘I have married only you. So don’t expect me to be in touch with your family members.’ She refused to go with him to meet his parents on weekends or holidays. Sumit didn't project that as an issue to avoid any unpleasantness in their relationship, though he felt hurt by her approach. He looked after her parents as she wished. But later, life became intolerable for him. He found her to be very selfish. Incidents narrated by him might look trivial for outsiders, but he felt hurt by her behaviour. Sujata refused to give her vehicle when Sumit wanted to go for an urgent meeting, when his vehicle was in the workshop for repairs. Many times he found nothing for him to eat when he reached home late from the company. Once he had to go to his relative’s house to sleep as she deliberately bolted the house from inside so that he will not open the house with his key. The reason was an argument over a silly issue that morning! Sumit, who was very patiently tolerating Sujata for long, took a decision to file a divorce petition. At that point of time Sujata realized her mistakes and refused to agree for the divorce. Sumit said: ‘Enough is enough. I don’t mind staying single for the rest of my life. But I can’t stay with her!’.

Though there is no accurate statistics of divorce rates, reports indicate that there is steady increase in divorces in many countries. 

'The seven-year itch'

The phrase ‘The seven-year itch’ is very popular among those who keenly watch the separations and divorces in society. It is said that between 4 and 7 years of marriage couples get affected by this and they either get divorced or get adjusted to each other by the 7th year. But the scenario is different now. Many divorces happen within a few months of marriage. Patience and toleration limit of the new generation is much less than the older generations! Many in the older generation were scared of the stigma attached to the divorce those days and quietly adjusted to their partners. In the Booker Prize winning novel ‘The God of Small Things’ by Arundhati Roy, she has written that the lady of the house cried when her husband died, not because she loved him but she was used to him!

Marriage is a privilege. Is it for everyone?  

There should be an opportunity for ‘due diligence’ to the couples to get familiarized each other to decide whether the person who he or she is going to get married is the right person for him or her. Premarital cohabitation that prevails in some tribal communities before marriage would not be an appropriate proposition from the point of view of morality or religion. Instead of being in love, two persons can be close friends for a long time with the approval of their families so that they can understand each other’s temperament and attitude much better. The only condition is that they should not become ‘lovers’, as in that case, they may get blinded!

Pre-marital courses are compulsory among a few religious communities in some countries. A comprehensive short duration course should be made mandatory for all persons who wish to enter the institution of marriage.
 
The state should increase the minimum marriageable age for people. (For example, 35 years)as there are many benefits. a) The unrealistic expectations will reduce, b) By that time they will be financially independent, c) They will be emotionally more mature, d) They will get enough time to make the choice, and e) There is a possibility that this would have a positive bearing in highly populated countries.

Once a couple decides to marry, they should not jump into the status of parents without making their marriage stable. Only mutually responsible couples can become responsible parents. Pregnancy spacing needs to be promoted by government through incentives.

The author of the book ‘Sirach’ in the Bible wrote:  ‘I would rather live in the same house with a lion or a dragon than with a bad wife.’ It could be applicable to both husband and wife. Therefore divorce might be a necessary evil in some cases. But the governments need to make divorce rules and procedures gender neutral rendering justice to both.

Though marriage is not a joke, most of the jokes shared and enjoyed by many married adults are related to marriage and spouses. Henry Ward Beecher said, ‘Well-married person has wings, poorly-married has shackles’. Love, trust and selflessness can produce happy relationships. 

Hinduism presents a unique dimension. An interpretation says, 'Marriage is not a social contract temporarily entered into under the influence of romance or dissolved at one’s pleasure. It is the most important religious sacrament, necessary for every individual to realize fully one’s potential and to fulfill the responsibilities which one’s owes to one’s self, one’s family, one’s ancestors and to society at large'. Islam considers marriage as a social necessity and religious obligation and there is no role for celibacy. Marriage is indeed a contract and a sacrament. In a contemporary reading of gospel of St Mathew it is written:  "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone".


“Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn't something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.”(Barbara De Angelis)

(Views are personal. Images given are stills from the movie 'Queen'. I recommend all the girls [guys too] to watch this movie)                                
                                                                    © Sibichen K Mathew

30 comments:

  1. thank god we got married before the sibichens law of marriage got proclaimed!.with the age limit suggested i have grave doubts about the health of future generations who will all be geriatric bye-products.religious comments on marriage is of no divine value as it is more the product of the then prevailing social norms, never of permanent value.if courses would correct character, we would have had a perfect society long back.with societal attitude to divorces changing there is a way out for the unfortunate prisoners of marriage of both genders. that is improvement. but after all like socrates said .. 'by all means marry , if you get a good wife you will be happy ; otherwise you will become a philosopher ' an MCP view which was autobiographical ! well get a divorce if you don't want to be a philosopher....... madhavan nair

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are right sir! Norms evolve in various cultures based on sociological context prevailed. Health of future generations will not get affected by a raise in marriageable age. Also, the state will gain a lot! The future generations know how to take care of themselves. They won't hang on to their old dads.

      Delete
  2. Tell me about it - the only person I know who decided marriage is not for him, and not for any other compelling personal reasons, and stuck to it is my own self :P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Suresh, should I congratulate you or shower you with sympathies! Ask a married man. Amidst all hassles and tussles, he would say that he enjoys the bliss, happiness, and care in the married life, though the other side is always greener!

      Delete
  3. In one of her interviews, I heard Kangana Ranout say that all married people need to go to a psychiatrist. I think the pre-marital counselling is inadequate as it fails in removing the behavioral patterns a person has been conditioned with since birth. If the issue can be diagnosed as a disease, then why not fix it like any other disease?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shiju, married people or unmarried people? May be, both require therapeutic inputs.

    ReplyDelete
  5. The best marriage is a contract between two mature adults who give each other space, understanding and respect.Yes you are right people should not have romantic notions about it and these when they get destroyed people get disillusioned.Good read Sibi ,I agree with your views.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Nima, you are right. But it is a contract that should not be enforced by either party. The secret of success lies in the preparedness to love without any conditions whatsoever!

    ReplyDelete
  7. HOOOO BOY what a topic?? While the definition of marriage has been constantly evolving the institution of marriage has been steadily and surely devolving. While marriage was meant to be the begining of a new family today that concept has been undone by the excessive use of the word "I".

    In the days gone by when a couple had a fight the families came together to counsel them and get them back together. Today when the wife leaves the marital home in a huff, the Husband runs to court asking for divorce so that he does not have to face a domestic Violence or Dowry act allegations. Once he has done that the wife goes on to then file the same allegations in court just out of spite. Thus rendering any family intervention useless. Should we blame the current laws for this or do we blame the mindset of the new generation.

    While I cannot generalise this, is it not worthy of worry that in all this the only thing that has been affected in all this is the institution of marriage and the lives of innumerable Children who get caught in the crossfire.

    All in all, I think this world has lost its balance. When there was a certain balance in terms of the roles each one had to play in a marriage, it worked, today the balance has gone topsy turvy leaving everyone confused. What once was deemed to be a Mans world now has successful women there. And what was once considered the domain of women has many a successful man in it. So as long as we are to move forward, we have to say good bye to what we knew of the word Marriage and accept this new concept of marriage. Well this I guess is evolution. But don't blame me for ruing what I knew was my concept of marriage. But then I also consider that the music of the yesteryears was lovely and today we churn out crap, but there are takers for todays music too.........Oh well life goes on

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sibi, as I see it, if we backstep from the issue of marriage or not and instead look at human journey and what we are meant to learn from it, then marriage or relationship or not, whether healthy or not, is meant to teach us to unbound, enter into uncomfortable spaces, and rise within. The trouble is we are too busy reacting and not learning and therefore we hold on to pain/misery/cynicism. I have trouble too from learning from such situations, but more and more I am easing out. Now I realize I will be married (whether it is happy or not) if I am supposed to learn life lessons from it. Or I wont be because I am supposed to learn certain things alone, within the hellhole within. For we don't need bad relationships with other to suffer, we can suffer just because of our own selves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Among all those richness in your sentences, let me pick up one pearl Bhavana. That is the view that problems come out of 'reactions'. You have really diagnosed the crux of the matter. Whether we are single or married, our quality of life depends on the way we react. We have a choice to react negative or positive. Unfortunately emotions overtake many individuals and they react sharply hurting the other.

      Delete
    2. I would say the way we 'respond' or 'react.' Both are responses albeit different.

      Delete
  9. Prithvish, you made a very valuable point. But then, as you rightly concluded, the 'life goes on'. Change is so powerful and nothing can replace the change and evolution! Only one condition, one needs to be prepared to accept the change as positive.

    ReplyDelete
  10. You know you raise a valid point...Sadly our society doesn't acknowledge that marriage is first between two individuals .... Sometimes couples are forced into marriage without any heed to what they actually want... I had a love marriage and I went for it when I was ready for it... My parents were always clear that they would get us married when we would be ready..Even now with my sister we have decided that only when she is okay with marriage will she do it and not because of us...there is no right or late age for marriage but who will make us custom obsessed Indians understand...And trust me it's not only with marriages but with having children too!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Naba, I liked these words of yours: 'I went for it when I was ready for it'. That is the key to a successful marriage! There is no right age for marriage if one realizes that he/she is ready!

      Delete
  11. Its difficult to accept change especially when one has lived his or her life in a particular way. How does one accept the negative as positive when one has experienced the positive. Much of it is connected with ones UPBRINGING, a very powerful word. But for those of us who are caught in transit between what we knew and what we see now, I refer you all to the age old adage.....

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

    The courage to change the things I can,

    And wisdom to know the difference.

    Still praying for it to happen, but still disillusioned...God Bless Everyone, A thought though, even when we go through what we do today, why is it that an adage from the past always makes sense???? Maybe because the past did to us, Best of luck to the next gen...lol

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ah I love the way Kangana finds herself in the movie...more or less reminds me of myself... We must get beyond the thought that marriage is the ultimate goal of life...

    I love the way you have presented this!

    Feeling sorry for Sumit but you know what I ve seen many men and women living there life this way.. I still dunno why!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thanks Sneha for sharing your thoughts on this

    ReplyDelete
  14. I agree to all the points you mentioned before concluding, except for the age of marriage, for the well being of future generations. Marriage is a sacrament and it is bound by karma, and also there is a Bengali saying that when two people are bound by heart and soul , they start resembling each other with time.... I aspire to achieve that stage ....

    ReplyDelete
  15. I fully agree with you Tanmayee and my sincerely congratulate you for your sincere wish to be 'one' and not 'two'. That is the secret of this sacrament

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ok, those were some tough laws you proposed! I think I will just let 'market forces' decide the relevance of marriage. In many parts of the world it is still revered as the most important thing that an adult does. In many others, it is already irrelevant. We in India will also settle one way or the other someday.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes Rickie, in an era were marriage and relationships are increasingly getting commercialized, your view that 'let market forces decide the relevance of marriage' is really thought provoking.

      Delete
  17. Having been married out of my own choice for over a decade I must admit that for a marriage to work it takes a lot of effort from both the man and the woman. Maturity and understanding are the key words. But even with all of this there can be issues in the marriage. And though I would always request the couple to think through before jumping into the divorce petition, I feel if you're unable to be peaceful (please note it's not happy that I use here) with each other it is time to reconsider your decision. There is no point in staying together and creating a hell every single day. It is very important for the couple to get acquainted with each other's temperaments, likes and dislikes. Especially in our society where most marriages are still solemnised by the families without the prior approval or consent of one or both the partners. A thought provoking post Sir!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly Rekha. Maturity and understanding are the key attributes for successful relationships and peace (as you said, not necessarily happiness)

      Delete
  18. Valid points here. Totally agree.
    One partner can wreck it. Marriage needs both the partners' cooperation & acceptance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Following are the comments sent by Sudhir Sharma over Facebook. I find them very valuable.

      Marriage can be both bliss and misery. I don't think that friendship for extended period will change the outcomes significantly. People behave differently in different relationships. One does not take friends for granted, expects and gives respect to friends. In marriages, half the time the problem is absence of these elements. Something being done by the partner becomes a right and appreciation & gratitude got missing initially for being too formal and later because of habit.

      Marriage is like a plant, it needs continuous conscious effort to keep it healthy and growing. More than love accommodation, acceptance and little nothings make it tick.

      In our society marriage occupies much larger space than it deserves. One should walk the path knowing fully well that it is not always an easy and comfortable journey. You can expect to find oasis only after making it across the difficult desert together. ये इश्क नहीं आसान, बस इतना समझ लीजे, आग का दरिया है, डूब कर जाना है।

      Delete
  19. I liked how you presented a different view and the realistic view of certain marriages. Marriage is the most intimate relationship between a man and a woman bound by law. And it must not be jumped into in a hurry. At the same time, the girl and the boy must be humane to each other. That said, when you get in a relationship, you also have the onus of making that relationship work. There is no perfect relationship and very rarely is only one side completely at fault. But marriage certainly is not the end all and be all of our existence. Just recently I got to know from an orthodox Gujarati family that they had called off their son's wedding because the boy and girl felt that they did not gel. I see that as a welcome change instead of being stuck in a hopeless relationship where the love and companionship is missing.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Quite a thought provoking article on the laddoo of marriage. This calls for another one on the nexus between the lack of siblings, the dearth of friendship and the decline in quality parenthood to the increasing impatience to divorce

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have very briefly enumerated the crucial causative factors. Very true. We need an incisive analysis on this

      Delete
  21. Statutory Minimum marriageable age at 35? A lot of lawyers would go jobless :)

    ReplyDelete

I appreciate your valuable comments. The comments may not appear immediately. It will appear in the blog shortly after posting.

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...