(This is the English translation of Malayalam article:
'ഒരു പത്തുവയസുകാരന്റെ വിശുദ് ധവാര ഓർമ്മകൾ')
A Maundy Thursday
We three; my sister, my mother's younger sister (who
was just two years elder to us) and myself were in our grandma's kitchen, with
our aunt who was scraping coconut, waiting to get our share to taste. It
is then that my uncle arrived with some news. We felt something weird
as he called my aunt and whispered something to her, without the usual
exchange of pleasantries to us. Before uncle could finish, we saw aunt
hitting her head and crying. Out of the three children who were standing in
bewilderment, without understanding the head or tail of what has happened,
uncle called my sister and me and put his hands around us and said,
"Children, brother (in law) is gone"
We didn't understand his words. We understood that
'brother' who he mentioned is our Dad. But why did he say that Dad is gone? Dad
is admitted in the Medical College hospital. Yesterday my sister and I went to
the hospital to meet him and we ate modern bread dipped in hot milk with
him!
When I met Dad I was reminded of the picture
of Jesus which I saw in the church on Palm Sunday. His beard
and moustache had grown long. With his head raised on the pillow on
the frame of the bed, his face radiated the gentle and sweet smile of Jesus.
But it seemed as if he was swallowing some pain. The
sweat on Dad's forehead had a reddish tint. As we were leaving the room, Dad
caressed my head. I even heard Mom telling him that she will bring us again
after Easter. Then why and where did Dad leave? Why did uncle have tears in his
eyes and aunt stop scrapping coconut and lean on to the bed? I didn't
comprehend a thing. We went to Anilachechi who would always clear any doubt
that my sister or I have. I was five years old then, my sister six, and
Anilachechi, seven. But we believed that Anilachechi knew everything on Earth.
She told us 'Dad is dead', and cried just as uncle and aunt did. We too started
crying; without knowing even the meaning or loss of death and separation.
Good Friday
As Mom lay down at the back seat of
the Ambassador car which belonged to my aunt at Ernakulam, Dad's
mortal remains were on the way to the cemetery. Dad, in his white shoes,
beautifully made white crown, white shirt, holding cross and rosary looked so
handsome. (Later, how many times I wished to lie down like that! Everyone
carrying me in a coffin and me, lying there, handsome like Dad!) After 33 years
of personal life and public life and Passion, where did Dad go?
Uncles carried me one after the other. Why everyone
who have gathered here looking at me and weeping? They should've looked at Dad
and cried! Everywhere there was smell of incense and agarbathis. From that
day my Mom, my sister and I hated that smell completely. We wished to run
away from its stench. Also from the Good Friday mass!
Easter Sunday
Though my Mom, sister and I hated Good Fridays, we
never hated Easter Sundays. We stood in front of the crucified Christ, in hope.
"I am
the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he
dies.” The priest read the Gospel loudly. From
that time onwards, I am in that hope. When is Dad's resurrection? It has been
days since Dad has left. I looked curiously at the picture of Jesus raising
Lazarus from the dead. Jesus who raised Lazarus can surely raise Dad too.
Season of Easter
The same priest, who buried Dad, reads. “ He
appeared to the disciples who were going to Emmaus”. Surely Dad too will
appear one day. Could he stay without seeing us?
Every Sunday my eyes went to the top of the altar of
the church. It was written there; 'This is the House of God and the Doorway to
Heaven.' There were two doors on either side of these words. My eyes were fixed
there. If this door opens to Heaven, certainly Dad would be inside. He will
definitely look down at least once. But he didn’t come, not even once to look
down. Did Dad forget us as he is enjoying in the midst of Jesus and angels?
Didn't he get any of the letters that was neatly written on white sheets of
papers and buried under the earth?
I waited, for the blow of that trumpet! For my
sleeping Dad to wake up!
Link to Malayalam version
ഒരു പത്തുവയസുകാരന്റെ വിശുദ്
Link to Malayalam version
ഒരു പത്തുവയസുകാരന്റെ വിശുദ് ധവാര ഓർമ്മകൾ
(Originally published in Manorama online)
Sibichen K Mathew
This loss, its effect, the human inability to understand the mystery of God's will, even the writing and reading of such an incident, everything is so painful as much as crucifixion can be. Yet, as Easter was the purpose behind Good Friday, surely a Divine purpose must've been completed through your Dad's death too. When we accept that the Will of God is above everything and that each life and death happens under Divine Will, we are comforted. Souls never die and love connects all souls, though we live in different plains. Wish your Dad 'A Great Life Above' and continue your life peacefully till you meet him there. All the best Little Boy!
ReplyDeleteAnything on father-son relationship is dear to me. For personal reasons, I could read this only with a very heavy heart. In 1996, I was 33. But to this date, I think of my fallen hero at least 100 times a day....
ReplyDeleteThanks sir, for this..
sibichachen,the article was really heart touching,made me to cry,and also i felt like i was there too.i have seen perappen only in photos,and i remember pappa and amma saying that perappen was such a nice loving person.i am sure all the blessings that you and your family now has is ofcourse perappens blessings and prayers from heaven.
ReplyDeletesimikutty
really touching story. I am sure He will be watching from above, content and happy for you. :)
ReplyDeleteRemembering father lost, when the boy - son was only 5 , after so many years is remarkable. We are on the end of life hope our children also shall cherish our memories like U Sir.
ReplyDeleteRemembering lost father, by son when he was only 5 , after so long gap remmarkable .Hope our children also do the same when we r not here
ReplyDeleteReally I dont think any one else would be able to express the feelings of a five year old on a life changing event. Makes me believe that your father remained with you all these days to see what you are today. If he was here, what more he could have expected of a son? I am reminded of two couplets of Thirukkural in tamil which reads and translates as under :
ReplyDeleteதந்தை மகற்காற்று நன்றி அவையத்து
முந்தி இருப்பச் செயல்.
The benefit which a father should confer on his son is to give him precedence in the assembly of the learned.
மகன்தந்தைக்கு ஆற்றும் உதவி இவன்தந்தை
என்நோற்றான் கொல்எனும் சொல்.
(So to act) that it may be said "by what great penance did his father beget him," is the benefit which a son should render to his father.
Mostly from serious stuff, to this heart touching narration! No doubt you have carried these memories for decades, such is the 'weight'
Hope some day our children recollect our memories, the way you did. Wonderful sir!
Amazing and touching. I understand and empathize with your pain. He would have definitely been reborn
ReplyDelete