“This is not your court!” The Lawyer’s wife retorted when
he argued at home.
“Mum, we are not your students!” Teenage children complained
about the way their mum talked.
“I am not yet your wife! Mind your words” The girl got
irritated with the way her fiancé talked.
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| Image credit |
Yes,
there is a mix up in communication in all the three instances above. We play
multiple roles in life. Similarly, we associate certain type of communication
to particular roles. Society, culture or other agents of socialization such as
family or peer group have created stereotypes on how we should
communicate.
Most
people rejoice over the words spoken to them from the heart. But a few, who
does not have the emotional intelligence, would get hurt when others speak to
them from the heart!
Which
is most important? Is it the heart, the mind or the body? A tricky question
indeed. And where does the soul fit in?
Yes,
the roles and functions of each of the above constituent is inextricably
intertwined to one another. Body might have the supremacy when it comes to the
fulfilment of the primary needs. Mind takes supremacy when one attempts to
find, observe or convey logic and reasoning to people, situations, nature (matter)
and relationships. Heart has a predominant role when it comes to the
manifestations of the ‘humane’ dimensions of the human self. Soul is the core
of the innermost being.
The heart-mind dichotomy
in communication
Before
we focus on the stereotyped communication in the roles we play, let us discuss
the heart-mind dichotomy in the realm of communication and how it can build or
mar relationships.
Mind
thinks;
Heart
feels
Mind
thinks rationally, intellectually and logically;
Heart
expresses emotionally, empathetically and sympathetically
Mind
measures outputs;
Heart
measures outcomes
Mind
keeps a record of what to receive;
Heart
keeps a record of what to give
When
two persons speak from their mind it is a dialogue. But, when they speak from their heart there
is symphony which creates a synchrony in their relationship.
When
one person speaks from the mind and the other person speaks from the heart,
there is dyssemia. There could be a communication gap leading to
misunderstanding.
The roles we play and
speak
Eric Berne, famous psychiatrist and psycho analyst and the author of ‘Games People Play’, identified three ego states (which are phenomenological realities) from
which people communicate to each other. They are child, parent and adult.
Parent ego state represents a collection of recordings in the brain of external
events experienced or perceived in the first five years of life. Later in life,
people tend to communicate based on the perceptions and views of a parent. From
the birth to age five, emotions and feelings related to the external events are
recorded in the brain. These emotions and feelings are manifested in the
everyday interaction and communication later. This is child ego state. In Adult
ego state, individual validates the learnings from a parent ego state.
Some
examples of recordings in each ego state as given by Eric Berne are as follows:
Parent ego state: “Never talk to
strangers”; “Always chew with your mouth closed”
Child ego state: “When I saw the
monster’s face, I felt really scared”; “The clown at the birthday party was
really funny!
Adult ego state: “Wow. It really is true
that pot handles should always be turned into the stove” said Sally as she saw
her brother burn himself when he grabbed a pot handle sticking out from the
stove. “
In this example, Sally’s Adult reached
the conclusion that data in her Parent was valid. Her Parent had been taught
“always turn pot handles into the stove, otherwise you could get burned.” And
with her analysis of her brother’s experience, her Adult concluded that this
was indeed correct.”
The
conversations between two persons (the effect on each other of the other
person’s communication) could be analyzed by understanding from which ego state
each person communicate. It could be a complementary (Speaking from a child ego
state to a parent ego state and the response is also from parent ego state to
child ego state) or a crossed transaction (when stimuli and response are not
congruent). Not only the words, but also the non-verbal communication is also
important. According to Dr. Berne, “one must look at how the words are being
delivered (accents on particular words, changes in tone, volume, etc.) as the
non-verbal signs accompanying those words (body language, facial expressions,
etc.)”.
Daniel Goleman has written extensively on communication in his books ‘Social
Intelligence’ and ‘Emotional Intelligence’ wherein he has emphasized the need
for empathetic approach in communication. Edward Hallowell who is a
psychiatrist and was associated with Harvard Medical School for 20 years said
that a five-minute conversation can be a perfectly meaningful human moment. He
said that to make the human moment work, you have to set aside what you’re
doing, put down the memo you were reading, disengage from your laptop, abandon
your daydream, and focus on the person you’re with. Usually when you do that,
the other person will feel the energy and respond in kind. Together, you
quickly create a force field of exceptional power.
What is the learning from the above discussion?
Irrespective
of the role we play, the communication needs to be from the heart to make it
effective, purposeful and responsive.
Be
focused to the stimuli (ie. to the person communicating to you and the
situational context of the communication).
Be
an orchestra to the person communicating to you ( Just like when a person
sings, the orchestra facilitates the singer, we need to create a receptive
verbal and non verbal expression).
Gauge
the emotional status of the communicating person and respond accordingly rather
than reacting to it.
Communication
from the heart creates an environment of sincerity, empathy and frankness.
Views are personal ©
Sibichen K Mathew
